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May 08, 2011

Comments

CaraH

I've said so before... I'm just really sorry about your mom. Grief is such a strange beast. My prayer for you is peace.

Gina

I think it is normal, albeit, sucky to feel that way. Not to wallow in anger and bitterness, but it really does suck that your mom died so very young.

I rather dislike mother's day too (for entirely different reasons) and wish I could just avoid the whole day but since it is everywhere in our culture I clearly can't. Maybe I need to plan a weekend away every year instead.

Hope tomorrow brings a better day for you.

cileag

It's my first Mother's Day missing my older sister (and mother to three children) who died Feb. 17 and I'm feeling all torn up. My mother is still alive and I'm so thankful for that, but my heart is so heavy for my nieces and nephews and there are so many emotions all swirling around that it hardly feels like a restful day. What allows me to keep it together is what I heard from a therapist about grief---that you know how to grieve, and that unlike depression, which whispers negative, destructive things, grief whispers things that usually help---when to rest, when to cry, when to reach out. I can't imagine ever being done grieving, so be gentle with yourself.

persephone

You are not, at all, the only motherless daughter who feels this way. In fact I'm about to send a friend of mine to read this post right now.

My mother is coming at this from the opposite direction - losing her daughter - but when I called her today, she said, "Thank you, but I don't really want to hear it this year."

Shanna

persephone sent me. Good call. :) You totally said it right.

Clueless But Hopeful Mama

You get to be as sad and mad and whatever else as you want when you're motherless on Mother's Day.

It seems to me that the older we get, the more likely holidays, every one, are tinged with so many ambivalent feelings. Maybe it just means that we've lived enough to have lost. That you are aware and feeling ALL the stuff that's in there can only be a good thing. Even if it's uncomfortable.

Rachel

My pastor won major kudos with me yesterday at church simply by acknowleging what you've so eloquently said - Mother's Day isn't always a happy occasion. He mentioned people whose mothers have died, people whose mothers no longer remember their families, people whose mothers were unable or unwilling to be the person their children needed, and women who wanted to be mothers but "it just didn't work out that way".

I remember the hiding-under-the-covers mother's days when all I wanted was to be pregnant. The mother's days after miscarriages. I'll never again wish someone happy mother's day unless I'm really certain it is a happy day for them.

Do you find that somehow father's day isn't quite as emotionally wrought in our culture? I lost my dad when I was not quite 7 and found father's day to be either incredibly sad and difficult or just a non-event, depending on the year. It's possible to ignore father's day, though. Not so in-your-face.

Sarah in Ottawa

I am so sorry that this day is so hard for you. We aren't huge fans of Mother's Day in my family, as my Dad had a near-fatal heart attack on it back in 1992. My Nonno had one 3 days later and subsequently died. So it's bittersweet around here.

The ring is beautiful, though. What a lovely gesture.

liz

Sending hugs and love.

carosgram

I miss my mom too.

Liz S

i too wanted to say FU to all those being all gushy about it.

My husband lacks in the art of organizing the kids and being on top of things. i'm used to getting nothing for Mothers day and its not like i want a gift. I just want to be thought of. It hit kind of hard as I was at the grocery store in the early AM because i was doing a huge service project for another mother. all these dads were at the store with the kids getting stuff to make for breakfast. My kids were in the car arguing the 15 yr old and the 6 yr old can't get along. My husband, at home in bed.

Then my mom can be passive agressive. She pulled a doozy of her skill at Mass. I spent the last part of Mass trying to make sure no one could see me crying until I could pull myself together. I left early to teach my class and then went back to help the family raise money for medical bills. My sister verified that mom had pulled a real passive agressive stunt.

I really didn't want to go to the party the sibs had planned but thanks to a big margarita I made it. I love my mom, but I dont' really like her these days. So I basically got hit from both ends. Yesterday sucked big time.

I'm sorry for your tangled feelings but i empathize.

Amy

It's funny. I have always had my mom and always took it for granted. This year I still have my mom but she has Stage IV lung cancer that is in her brain and bones and she was too sick to celebrate. She couldn't open the presents I had for her, eat lunch with me and the kids or even eat a small piece of her favorite carrot cake. It know it broke her heart as well. Here I am though...my mom isn't even gone and I'm already an angry bitch. When my friends casually talk about their moms and all the time they have together, not to mention the constant babysitting, I get so angry and jealous that I don't know how to handle my feelings. But, until my mom got sick, I was one of those women and now I feel that I have probably unintentionally pissed off plenty of people in the past by my blase attitude about having a healthy, involved mom. I know I'm lucky to still have my mom and I appreciate every minute of our relationship because I don't know how much longer I will have her. But, it's definitely not the easy, fun and helpful-to-me relationship that I used to have. And, it made Mother's Day really suck.

Thanks for your honesty. So glad your children gave you some of the happiness you deserve for Mother's Day. For me, I can't imagine dealing with the pain of my mother's illness without the joy and distraction of my children (which makes them sound like they're little angels when really, most days they are screaming hellions).

LJ

I so echo your sentiment. Here's my story: I have no children. My mother has been gone for 6 years, my grandmother passed away 20 years ago on Mother's Day. The week before and after Mother's contains the anniversary of both of my grandfathers' deaths and my fathers. I'm 38 and single and despite my extended family, I always feel alone on Mother's Day.

I didn't attend church this past Sunday, even knowing that my pastor goes to great lengths to make sure that people know that it isn't always a happy day for everyone. I lounged in bed, watching movies with the dog. My mother would have understand my melancholy and given me the day - any lamenting after that, she would have told me to snap out of it.

Erin

Ugh. I soooo know. I feel exactly the same way. Mother's day just sucked those years that I was not pregnant and going through fertility treatments. Then, I had some good Mother's Days once I had my first child, but they were marred by the terrible issues I had with my Dad -- so seeing my Mom for celebrations was difficult, b/c being with him was so hard. I lost my Mom two years ago, and this was my 3rd mother's day without her. It was not bad -- my husband and kids were great, and even my Dad gave me a call, but I wish the day just did not exist.

Also, there are a bunch of women who work out at the gym the same time I do. They are probably in their late 40's or early 50's (I am 36), and are always having long talks in the dressing room about their mothers. They all have mothers who are getting old (70's and 80's) and have health problems. I really sympathize with them, but it's sooo hard to hear. One woman was talking about her mother's dementia, and how hard it is, and that she (the daughter) was just exhausted and had done ENOUGH. I know that it was totally ridiculous, but all I wanted to say was something like, "Excuse me, but I could not help but overhear your conversation. I know it's hard, but please don't take it for granted. My mother died at 60, and I would give ANYTHING to help her in her old age, even if it was exhausting, scary and overwhelming!"

Thanks for posting -- peace to you.

Erin

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