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October 22, 2007

Comments

Carla

Wow, thank God you know enough not to get upset over such emails. I am willing to be that there were many, many people who read your post and could totally relate to what you were saying. I know I could.

carosgram

You made me laugh as I read about your anonymous commenter. Glad your family was over this weekend and able to enjoy the children while you got a much needed break. I am impressed that you are getting to shower every other day. Many in your circumstances have been known to go a whole week. Thinking of you and wishing you the best

BethanyWD

Your reply to the angry poster was the best I have ever heard! I've book-marked it for future use.

uccellina

It's so hard not to play the "comparative pain" game, and I admire your response. When I was dealing with the infertility, it was often hard to hear people kvetching about pregnancy or parenting. Now that I'm pregnant, I feel guilty every time I want to complain about discomfort or sickness, but I remind myself that my feelings now are as valid as my feelings then. Comparing your pain to someone else's does no one any good.

Tracy

good for you! (I say this as a formerly IF person who took a long time to learn to let myself be just like other moms and realize that parenting is not all roses and lollipops, but that there are down days and things I don't like about it at times, just like every other job I ever held in my lifetime - though I wouldn't trade it for anything ever.)

My husband also leaps from the bed and does entertaining things occasionally - glad to hear about someone else!

Chickenpig

I worked in daycare, with infants and toddlers, so I KNEW parenting wasn't going to be a picnic. (yet, I still wanted to have kids anyway, go figure). As an infertile I never got mad at complaining parents, especially moms of newborns, women with pregnancy complaints, or those suffering from secondary infertility. Why get mad at these people? I got mad at the unfairness of infertility, which hits you three times if you can't even complain about your pregnancy or the downside of parenthood. Come on, everyone knows that having a newborn SUCKS. Even if you've never had a baby, even if you really, really want one and are having difficulties, you've GOT to know that much.

I wouldn't trade the life I have with my twins for anything, but those first few months bit the big one. Yet, I want a third one...again, go figure. And if I'm so lucky to get pregnant and stay pregnant, I reserve the right to complain when I'm feeling sore, dirty, ugly and tired. Every fertile woman can do it, and so can I, damnit! :)

Linda

Newborns are quite frankly, DRAINING!! And I say this with nothing but love and gratefulness in my voice. Then they smile at you and you melt and everything is peachy again. I love the picture of C and how she is memorizing A's face. When Lachlan's like that, I can't bear to put him down. When he's screaming, oiy, yoi, yoi...

Laura K.

Oh gee, Linda, that's the last time I ever send you an anonymous email...

:) Hardy, har, harrrrr!

Laura K.

PS - I think C looks ilke A in that picture...is it just me?

Kris

Why do people send such emails? I don't get it. Just. Click. Away.

You are doing an amazing job. I can tell just from what you write. My b/g twins are a couple of months older than E & L and I would so be in a straight jacket if I had a newborn. You are AWESOME. You have twins, a newborn and you still find time to update your blog -- amazing, really! Be proud. And, if you want to complain, you've got the right. It's your blog and parenting is SO F-ING HARD.

liz s

You should try big bottles of coke and prop them. Then you don't have to get up so often to fill them. You could probably teach E &L how to use the remote. That should help too.

Also, try putting food in the dog dish on the floor. That will alleviate the need to get them lunch.

Good heavens, you are a great mom. Anonymous can stuff it.

Jill

I'm still laughing about you putting C down on the floor, on the mail. I think your humor about it all, and your love for them all, shines through loud and clear. An occasional grumpy post does not make you ungrateful. Kudos to you for handling the criticism with such grace.

AmyinMotown

I used to be like that too--OMG how can they complain they are so lucky! Your response was very compassionate. Now that I am in the mom trenches, I don't like it when people say flat out mean stuff about their kids (my SIL's sister, whose mothering I do not admire, responded to a comment about her daughter being cute with "Well, she's a w-e-n-c-h.") but I can kvetch about lack of sleep or two-year-old insanity with the best of them.

Maggie says bizarre stuff in her sleep too-it's hilarious. There was a ladybug in her crib the other day, she tells me. And I have had entire sleeping conversations with my husband, some of which SOUND normal untl he just says something so weird I start laughing.

HEY, I just noticed you linked to my college roommate's blog (tales from kiddyland)! Hey, if I can't doocelike levels of fame and fortune, maybe she can--she deserves it :-)!

Shalini

I think anonymous people who do that kinda stuff and drop the F-bomb everywhere don't deserve your niceness or decency. Parenting is hard, and parenting is tough. Infertility is as well. But you are allowed to say how you feel. I guess a public forum is a hard place to please everyone, but I think you are doing a spectacular job.

Also C is so cute! I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since she was born! It seems like just yesterday. Before you know it she will be off to preschool too, just enjoy it (even when you don't want to)

;)

Meira

Can I just say that writing someone and telling them they need to shut-up and be grateful is supremely lacking in compassion?

(And now I should confess to feeling NOT compassionate towards a fellow mom. But I didn't write her and tell her. And it did stem in jealousy -- she has all this money to hire help on top of help where I had none, and here I am stressing when the kids eat the week's allotment of apples too quickly. I am jealous, and it's skewing my compassion. But she's got her own troubles to deal with, and doesn't need to know that her friend is judging her on top of it. So I won't be writing her, 'cause that would be mean and wrong. I will instead focus my energies on getting over my jealousy.)

Spouse was not coherent at night, either. One night I woke up to a baby crying and he had his hand on *my* butt, trying to rock *me* back to sleep. Another night I woke up to a baby crying and he was offering the newborn his glasses.

Summer

My child receives excellent care even when I am drunk, thankyouverymuch. In fact, I probably had *more* patience than normal last night about the getting out of bed multiple times before finally falling asleep thing because I had four (small) glasses of champagne in me. I found it more amusing than I usually do.

(PS, for the haters... it's a true story, but bear in mind that there was a stone-cold sober dad on duty the whole time. I don't leave the kid alone when I go out lah-di-dahing on the town.)

Parenting is tough, tough work, and I know I've done my fair share of complaining about it, without ever forgetting for a second what a miracle my son is... he's a miracle and a blessing, but it doesn't stop him from being a PITA sometimes.

Your attitude rocks. :-)

Lainey-Paney

OMG...I remember those days with a newborn at home. I was an emotional wreck, insecure about my parenting, and somehow felt like I could NEVER put my son down, even to bathe.
So, I can only imagine how full your hands are with 2 3 yr olds & a newborn!

Chica---just keep doin' what you're doin'. Parenting isn't all rainbows & sunshine. Sometimes it rocks. Sometimes it sucks. Those of us in the trenches know that.

Kristin

Nicely said. (And congrats, by the way, from a reader who had been away for a while, and was delighted to come back and read about your latest development!)

I was listening to NPR -- "This I Believe" -- an essay by an academic psychologist/clinical psychotherapist, who talked about how being told to "cheer up" is often supremely unhelpful, and how a big part of grieving is being allowed to grieve in one's own way. She said that in her clinical practice, she finds that many of her "one visit cures" come in the form of people who just needed permission to feel bad for a while.

I think this applies here: your talking about being tired, and about being challenged by caring for three little ones doesn't negate your joy in having them. (And if it did, then you still wouldn't be a bad person: more likely, you'd be somebody who needs some compassionate help with depression rather than nasty e-mails.) Yes, sometimes we all need a little kick in the pants to remind us that we have what we've always wanted, and that joy is right in front of us, and that there's a lot of suffering going on in other places in the world. But when that becomes yet another hammer to bludgeon us with, as if it renders ALL of our negative, tired, stressed feelings invalid, it's not fair. There's a difference between being ungrateful and simply acknowledging that (and taking comfort in being able to talk to sympathetic ears about how) parenting is hard.

Hang in there -

Michelle

Someone get your anonymous commentor a copy of "I Was A Really Good Mom BEFORE I Had Kids." It would do her a world of good. Of course you love your kids (in between giving them Coke & Vodka, that is) and of course you wouldn't actually sell a kidney for some decent sleep, however, as a sleep deprived mom of twins and a newborn, you NEED to let it out somewhere. Much healthier to do it here in your blog than actually telling the kids these things, don't you think??
My hubby is famous for the middle-of-the-night-incoherent-babble-and-activity stuff. He'll shower at 2am, try to make phone calls and say some really bizarre stuff. It makes me laugh!

K

I have been meaning to comment about the whining children who hang from my leg at every turn, but I too am EXHAUSTED with a newborn. My N is 4 weeks today and it is very VERY draining. I feel SO BLESSED to have him, but it is still a lot of work.

That was a very kind response and I think you are right. In general, when people are unkind/attacking, it is NOT about you. It is about "THEM" and whatever difficulties they are having in their own life.

Good luck and as some random brand says it is "Only One Year".

Holly

I thought I was the only one who understood that kids should be given everything they want - unlimited cola products, non-stop-brain-frying-television, candy for breakfast, no rules.... It's a shame that someone pounced on you for it.

Actually, the real shame is that someone pounced at all. You're incredible, Linda. And funny to boot.

I laughed so loud about A's middle of the night comments - and E's too. It reminds me of my older daughter's nightly crazy talk.

Lisa

On my blog I just recently made some comment about how my 2 year old is driving me nuts, only to find out that one of my readers just lost her two year old. I felt terrible! I went in and promptly kissed my children's sleepy heads in bed and was so enormously grateful that they are healthy.

I think you made a good response. I dealt with IF issues as well, and I still get a little feeling of wonder that I GET to have kids that drive me nuts and make me complain about them. I actually looked forward to the complaining when I was TTC, it was one of the benchmarks of that role as mother to have kids crawling up and down your nerves left and right.

I think as long as you (and I) know we are grateful for what we have, that is what is important, even when we complain from time to time.

Nokturnl

More kudos to you for your response to someone who thinks you're "whining." Of course, we with children know this to be soooo far from the truth (it's called venting... commiserating...) but it's very mature of you to recognize that this person might be somewhere else on the spectrum of parenting/wishing to be parents.
Only someone who has experienced first hand the mixed emotions of 6 weeks post partum jelly belly really can know what that feels like. Wear your comfiest pants and snuggle with C-- this too shall pass! :)

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