I am not in Atlanta. Instead, I am planning my mom's memorial service. She died Tuesday evening.
My sister called me just hours after I posted on Tuesday, telling me that Mom was in a lot of pain and they were changing and increasing her medications. We went over there, partly to be with her and partly so I could evaluate her myself and decided on our travel plans. The hospice nurse told us she was in the active dying phase, the phrasing of which I have always found mildly amusing. Like, I was just hanging around, waiting to die, but now I am actively working toward it. Look, there is my morbid and inappropriate humor again.
Anyway, we made coffee and brought in chairs and planned for a long vigil. I told A that there was no way in hell that I was going to be in Atlanta when my mom died so he went to work minimizing the screwing over that Orbitz was attempting. (FYI, you can get plane discounts if you are traveling to a funeral or if you or one of your traveling partners dies before your trip. You get nothing, however, if an immediate family member dies before your trip.) It didn't take long, though, and she died just before 7 pm.
My sister and I were there, holding her hands and talking to her. It was what we had all been planning and I am grateful for the experience and the pain medication we had available. I wouldn't have wished for her death to happen any other way, except for later than 64 years old. She was supposed to retire in October and start traveling, maybe babysit for her grandkids more. Now there is a huge, gaping hole in my life where my mother once stood.
I have had some odd and surreal moments in the past few days: watching the blue tinge spread up my mom's nail beds, listening to her irregular breathing finally stop, and hearing the wail of my sister's kids on top of the happy splashing of my own kids taking a bath. It is gut-wrenching to watch your mother's corpse being wheeled out of the house, into the back of the waiting minivan. (Did you know that funeral homes no longer use hearses, as that is vulgar? Now they use the transportation of suburban moms.) I have accepted condolences from dozens of people, including several funeral directors-in-training who looked 12 years old. I wrote her obituary.
I have, understandably, a lot of turmoil and grief that will come out through my fingers and this blog. Right now we are planning her memorial service and I just got back from paying the cost of her internment, as she will be cremated and her remains placed in a niche. There is much to do and yet much time in which to think and cry. For those of you who live in the area, you can see her obituary in the paper this Saturday and Sunday, if you are so inclined.
I would like to offer my condolences for your loss.
Lance
Posted by: Lance | June 15, 2006 at 12:24 PM
My deepest condolences to you and your family for your loss.
Posted by: Kemp | June 15, 2006 at 12:34 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it is wonderful that she was able to die surrounded by her family and loved ones and as you hoped it would be.
But so tragic that she was so young. My heart goes out to you.
Posted by: Emily | June 15, 2006 at 12:35 PM
I am so sorry.
Posted by: Arwen | June 15, 2006 at 12:37 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking of your family.
Posted by: Liz | June 15, 2006 at 12:38 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my thoughts.
Posted by: Obabe | June 15, 2006 at 12:39 PM
I am very sorry
Posted by: Sophie | June 15, 2006 at 12:48 PM
Oh, Linda, I am so very sorry for your loss. Wishing you and your family peace in this time of crushing sorrow.
Posted by: Susan | June 15, 2006 at 01:06 PM
I'll keep your family in my thoughts. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Simone | June 15, 2006 at 01:07 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my thoughts.
Posted by: Erin | June 15, 2006 at 01:18 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Julie | June 15, 2006 at 01:21 PM
I'm sorry for your loss, and will be thinking of you and your family.
Posted by: JJ | June 15, 2006 at 01:21 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Peggy | June 15, 2006 at 01:30 PM
so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Sarah | June 15, 2006 at 01:40 PM
I'm sorry.
Posted by: meg | June 15, 2006 at 01:40 PM
I am so sorry for you loss.
Posted by: Katja | June 15, 2006 at 01:47 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Pronoia | June 15, 2006 at 01:48 PM
I'm very sorry.
Posted by: Tracy | June 15, 2006 at 01:48 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. You will be in our prayers.
Posted by: Jody | June 15, 2006 at 01:57 PM
I am just so sorry. You deserved to have her for so much longer. I don't know anything else to say, except thank you for sharing this journey with us all.
Posted by: Julia | June 15, 2006 at 02:03 PM
Linda, I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Lisa K.
Posted by: Lisa K. | June 15, 2006 at 02:05 PM
My sincerest condolences. I am so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Kristi | June 15, 2006 at 02:06 PM
You'll be in my prayers.
Posted by: Karen | June 15, 2006 at 02:26 PM
Add my condolences to the chorus. We are so very sorry for your whole family.
Posted by: heather | June 15, 2006 at 02:30 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: ALG | June 15, 2006 at 02:33 PM
I wish I could just give you a big hug.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: liz s | June 15, 2006 at 02:37 PM
I am so sorry.
Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | June 15, 2006 at 02:40 PM
Thank you for letting us know when you have so much to deal with. I'm so sorry. I'm sure her family was one of her greatest joys.
Posted by: Emmie | June 15, 2006 at 02:42 PM
You have my sincerest condolences. I hope you are soon able to remember her as she lived, and not as she died.
Posted by: Michele | June 15, 2006 at 03:03 PM
I am sorry Linda for the loss of your beloved mom.
And as Julia said, you deserved to have her much longer.
I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Kristin | June 15, 2006 at 03:05 PM
Linda,
I'm so sorry for the past few months. I'm sorry that your mother needed pain medication to make her comfortable, I'm sorry this was a "process", I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sorry for your daughters' loss, I'm sorry for the rest of your family.
May you find comfort in knowing your mom is no longer sick, that she is fully healed and finally resting in the comfort of her Father. And may you and your family find peace in the midst of your grief.
Sending hugs.
Posted by: Holly | June 15, 2006 at 03:29 PM
I am very, very sorry :(
Posted by: Linda B | June 15, 2006 at 03:46 PM
Linda, I wish there was something I could say that could make this even the tiniest bit better or more bearable. But there isn't; all I can do is tell you that I'm thinking about you, wishing you well, and that your whole family will be in my prayers tonight.
Posted by: Summer | June 15, 2006 at 04:22 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I'm very glad that you were able to be with her at the end though.
Posted by: Melani | June 15, 2006 at 04:26 PM
Linda, I am so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: iheartnewyork | June 15, 2006 at 04:31 PM
Linda,
I am so sorry -- you and your family are in my thoughts.
Erin
Posted by: Erin | June 15, 2006 at 04:31 PM
sorry to hear of your loss. Your family will be in my prayers.
Posted by: Lil | June 15, 2006 at 04:34 PM
I am SO sorry Linda. I am heartbroken for you. Truly. Please let me know if there is anything we can do for you.
Posted by: Libby | June 15, 2006 at 04:35 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss, and your family's loss.
Posted by: londonmisfit | June 15, 2006 at 04:37 PM
Praying for you, Linda.
Posted by: Jamie | June 15, 2006 at 04:40 PM
I am so sorry.
Posted by: carosgram | June 15, 2006 at 04:40 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Diane | June 15, 2006 at 04:58 PM
I'm so sorry, Linda; but I'm glad that her final moments were peaceful and you were able to be there with her. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Mayberry | June 15, 2006 at 05:04 PM
Linda, I am very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Posted by: Megan | June 15, 2006 at 05:13 PM
Please accept my deepest sympathy on your loss. My prayers are with you and your family.
XOXO
Posted by: Isabel | June 15, 2006 at 05:16 PM
I'm so sorry.
Posted by: parodie | June 15, 2006 at 05:59 PM
Linda, I am so sorry for your loss, but glad that she went at home with family as you all wished. My father passed at 54 much in the same manner; 5 years later it still comforts me that he was at home and not in a hospital. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Hugs,
Sarah
Posted by: Sarah | June 15, 2006 at 06:12 PM
I am so so so so so sorry for your loss. I hope you know how much love and prayers are coming to you from you. I know that doesn't change how you are all doing, but *hugs*!!!
Posted by: Shalini | June 15, 2006 at 06:21 PM
Linda, I'm so very sorry.
Posted by: Kris | June 15, 2006 at 07:09 PM
My deepest sympathies to you and your family.
Posted by: Tina | June 15, 2006 at 07:10 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss Linda. thinking of you and your family
Posted by: Jenni T | June 15, 2006 at 07:11 PM
Linda,
I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Me | June 15, 2006 at 07:27 PM
I, too, am very sorry for your loss. How nice it was that your mom was able to go surrounded by family.
Posted by: Kate | June 15, 2006 at 07:30 PM
Sending love your way.
Posted by: Lisa | June 15, 2006 at 07:32 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. As usual, I can tell you're handling it with grace. We're here for you.
Posted by: Bella | June 15, 2006 at 07:32 PM
I am so sorry for your loss!
Posted by: Janis | June 15, 2006 at 07:45 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there were magic words that that could comfort at a time like this. Just know that there are so many people out there who are thinking and caring about you. My deepest sympathies to you and all your family.
Posted by: Erin | June 15, 2006 at 07:55 PM
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Take Care!
Posted by: Colleen | June 15, 2006 at 08:00 PM
I am so sorry. I am thinking of you and your family.
Posted by: Elizabeth | June 15, 2006 at 08:40 PM
I'm so sorry for you loss Linda. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. May you find comfort in each other and in the memories you will always treasure during this difficult time...
Posted by: Bobbi | June 15, 2006 at 08:42 PM
"I am so so so so so sorry for your loss. I hope you know how much love and prayers are coming to you from you. I know that doesn't change how you are all doing, but *hugs*!!!"
Oops.. I mean from me to you!!! I know we don't know each other in real life. But I hope you know that I care for you a lot!
Posted by: Shalini | June 15, 2006 at 08:45 PM
Sending you my deepest condolences. I know how hard this is. I wish it didn't happen to you.
Sincerely,
Leah
Posted by: Leah | June 15, 2006 at 09:14 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Cat | June 15, 2006 at 09:16 PM
This sucks. I am really sorry.
Posted by: Beth | June 15, 2006 at 09:33 PM
Linda, I am so sorry. I'll be thinking of you.
Posted by: persephone | June 15, 2006 at 09:41 PM
Linda, you and your family will be in my thoughts and I'm so very sorry for the loss of your mom. She always sounded like a great mom and wonderful grandmother when you wrote about her on your blog.
Take care.
Posted by: Melody_NC | June 15, 2006 at 10:03 PM
I'm so sorry Linda.
Posted by: Gretchen | June 15, 2006 at 10:07 PM
Thank God you hadn't already left for Atlanta. I cannot even imagine what you are going through...I really wish you didn't have to.
We're here to listen.
...
Posted by: Leah | June 15, 2006 at 10:21 PM
I'm so sorry, Linda.
Posted by: Kate | June 15, 2006 at 10:24 PM
Linda and family -
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Bekah | June 15, 2006 at 10:27 PM
My heart is broken for you. At a time like this I'm always at a loss for words. I wish you and your family peace. My prayers and thoughts are with you!!!!
Posted by: JenniferD | June 15, 2006 at 10:30 PM
I am, of course, so sorry for your loss, but consoled in some small way by knowing that you and your sister were able to be there with her peacefully, as you wanted. That's so so important.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Posted by: cass | June 15, 2006 at 10:40 PM
Thinking of you...
Posted by: Jennifer | June 15, 2006 at 10:42 PM
My heart just sank when I saw your post. I have tears in my eyes. I'm just terribly sad for all of you. Although we've never met in person, you have been in my thoughts since you revealed that your mom was sick. Of course you and your family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I know that this doesn't change your reality but I'm terribly sorry.
Posted by: BrookeVA | June 15, 2006 at 11:07 PM
I am so sorry. I know you'll miss her horribly and that knowing she's not suffering any more is of very limited comfort.
Posted by: leslie | June 15, 2006 at 11:28 PM
Linda, I am so sorry for your loss. Your mom is truely in a better, pain free place now. I hope you take comfort in knowing that.
Posted by: Heather | June 15, 2006 at 11:38 PM
Oh, Linda, my prayers with you and for her. It's good to hear that the end was as you would have wished it.
Posted by: Rachel | June 15, 2006 at 11:46 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. But I'm also so glad you have a lot of support in such a tough time.
I hate cancer.
Posted by: Mia C. | June 16, 2006 at 12:08 AM
Linda, I am very sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and your family.
Posted by: Lisa C. | June 16, 2006 at 01:32 AM
Please accept my sympathies. I'm glad you were able to be there for her when she died. I am thinking of you.
Posted by: Lisa | June 16, 2006 at 01:57 AM
I am so very sorry for your loss. What a privilege, to be there with your mom in her last moments - but it must have been so very hard.
I am praying for you and your family, for comfort, peace and strength.
Posted by: SheilaC | June 16, 2006 at 02:30 AM
I am so very sorry, Linda. Please know that I am thinking about you and your family.
Posted by: Jen A | June 16, 2006 at 03:32 AM
Oh, Linda. I am just so, so sorry.
Posted by: Alli | June 16, 2006 at 07:17 AM
I too am very sorry for your loss. Prayers for peace and comfort as you grieve.
Take care.
Posted by: Erin | June 16, 2006 at 07:27 AM
Linda,
I offer my condolences and hope that you find comfort in your beautiful girls and your amazing husband.
I'm sure your mom is at peace now and is happy you were there with her in her last moments on earth.
Peace,
Liz
Posted by: LizM | June 16, 2006 at 07:56 AM
Please accept my condolences as well. May you and your family find peace.
Posted by: CaraH | June 16, 2006 at 08:04 AM
I would like to express my condolences to you and your family. God will see you through this storm in your life. Your mother was very lucky to have had a daughter who not only was compassionate and concerned, but also took the time to show it. Love to all of you.
Posted by: Mary | June 16, 2006 at 08:20 AM
No words other than I'm sorry.
Posted by: Chris | June 16, 2006 at 08:30 AM
Wishing you and your family peace.
Posted by: Meira Voirdire | June 16, 2006 at 08:59 AM
I am so sorry. I've been there, and it is hard - but you are strong, and although it hurts, you have done everything you could to help your mother and let her know how much you love her. I am sure she is very proud of you.
Posted by: Amnesia | June 16, 2006 at 09:19 AM
Linda, I’m so sorry. I wish there was something more that I could say.
Your writing has been so honest and you’ve handled this ordeal with such grace. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Posted by: Kelli | June 16, 2006 at 09:47 AM
Linda,
I'm so sorry about your mom. You are all in my prayers.
Posted by: SarahA | June 16, 2006 at 09:58 AM
My prayers are with you and your family. I'm so sorry....
Melanie
Posted by: Melanie | June 16, 2006 at 10:54 AM
Linda,
I am so sorry for the grief you are experiencing. I know words don't offer much comfort, so I'm sending my prayers for your family.
Tammy
Posted by: Tammy W. | June 16, 2006 at 11:35 AM
All I can say is that my thoughts are with you and your family during this tragic time!
Posted by: kate | June 16, 2006 at 11:59 AM
I'm so sorry, Linda.
Posted by: Beth | June 16, 2006 at 12:02 PM
Linda,
I am so sorry.
Posted by: luolin | June 16, 2006 at 12:10 PM
Linda, my family's condolences on your loss. I hope that this community will be helpful to you as you mourn.
Posted by: Bethany | June 16, 2006 at 12:19 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Candy | June 16, 2006 at 12:37 PM