I feel like I have a pretty good idea about my main faults (stubbornness, need to be right, insensitivity when sensitivity is inconvenient, quick temper, pride . . . I could go on, but this is getting kind of depressing) and it's come to my attention that I'm perfectly capable of lying to myself about what I eat. I can totally negate a half dozen cookies without even blinking. I can ignore that a serving of pasta is one cup and a serving of garlic bread is two slices. I can tell myself that I'm estimating a cup of pasta when it's clearly more and that I'm eating the crusts of the garlic bread so four slices count as two. I'm able to ignore the fact that I ate donuts for lunch and pour a second glass of wine at dinner anyway. It's a amazing talent.
I've been trying to figure out what to do, how to solve this problem and get back to to the mindful eating I was doing last year. I don't like how I feel when I overeat and while that should be enough to end this cycle, it does not appear to be. Against my wishes, my brain pointed out that we should put that pride to good use and get some accountability. For some people, writing down what they eat is good enough. I was doing that for a while, but then I started leaving off the alcohol and desserts. Denial is strong here.
I've decided to keep an online food diary and you are welcome to look at if you like. Some of you are probably like "Um. No." and others are maybe "Why? Also: no." I am well aware that it's the height of egotism to have a blog in the first place and to think that someone wants to read WHAT I ATE EVERY DAY is just. . . ugh. I KNOW. But I need some sort of accountability and I am not able to be accountable to myself because I LIE to myself. The only other thing I can think of is to tell A every time I eat something and that's even grosser. I was talking to A about it and he said, "You can just lie online, too." He's right, but if I commit to No Lying or Omitting, then I won't. It will be A Rule and I'll follow it. My brain is weird.
I know there have got to be a couple of you who are weird like me. I *cough* follow a few other people's food diaries. I LIKE talking about food and seeing what people eat and how they find a balance. I like learning about new dishes or new ways to make something or getting new snack ideas.
It's intimidating to tell people exactly what I'm eating. In my mind, you all eat 1200 calories per day of organic vegetables, tofu, and brown rice and will look upon my chocolate chip cookies with disdain. Or you're doing Whole30 and are horrified by my sugar and processed foods. I don't know. I guess all I can do is admit what I eat and be mindful of my strengths (fruit, legumes) and weaknesses (portions, emotional eating, sugar) and go from there. If reading my food diary makes you feel superior, I guess I can serve as a bad example.
I'm committed to be totally honest - even the ugly parts - but I'm hoping that because I have to admit it, it will stop me from eating four brownies. If I were a better person, I would include pictures (those are my favorite food diaries) but I don't want to spend that much time on it. It's weird enough that I'm posting what I eat every day. Please don't judge me too harshly; I honestly don't know how else to break this cycle of overeating/denial. I hope that this is temporary and once I get back into good habits, I can go back to keeping a private journal.