All Done

I have this near constant feeling of being all done.  Of being emotionally exhausted.  Of not being able to deal with any problems.  Of being overwhelmed by tasks and at the same time paralyzed, unable to do anything.  Of being short-tempered and snappish.  Of being sad and crying all the time.

I miss my mom so much.  Last year at this time, we were trying in vain to celebrate the girls' 2nd birthday while watching her withdraw and shrivel.  I want to talk to her about being a mom, about these frustrating times.  On Mother's Day, I spanked E.  I hate spanking.  A and I have chosen not to spank.  I don't see how I can teach my kids to be kind and gentle when I don't model that behavior.  I was at the end of my rope and she was so sassy and I swatted her butt, dragged her to a chair, and crumpled on the kitchen floor, sobbing.  On fucking Mother's Day.  What an awesome example I am.  She is almost 3.  Of course she's sassy and trying.  My kids don't deserve a constantly frustrated, angry, emotionally labile mother.  I feel like such a failure.  This is not what I want them to see.  This is not what I want them to learn.  This is not who I want to be.

It's not like it's just occasionally.  We all have those overwhelming times where we need a break.  A told me to call him any time and he would just take a personal day and come home.  I told him I would be calling him every day by 9:30 if we did that.

Simple tasks of planning meals, grocery shopping, yard work, birthday preparations, cleaning, dishes, child care, work . . . they're too overwhelming to deal with and I'm just not doing it.  I am dropping balls constantly; I can't keep them in the air.  I can't concentrate.  My mind isn't working right.  I keep coming back to how overwhelmed I feel.  I forget important things.  More than a month ago my brother gave me a couple things to do in order to close my mom's estate.  The idea of calling and getting another password for her online bank account and going through all the explanations again . . . I just can't.  I know he's patiently waiting; he even called A the other day to see how I was since I appear to be unable to return his phone calls.

My kids make normal kid mistakes, act like normal preschoolers, and I just break down.  I either yell or cry.  I feel like I'm disengaging from my kids, my husband, my life.  I am eating like crap.  I was doing light exercise regularly and I can't even do that anymore.  I can't sleep at night.  I am trying to be excited and plan for this baby and I just can't.  I am not looking for boy names or breast pumps.  I cannot imagine how I am going to function with 3 kids and even less sleep.

I can't tell if I am having a normal reaction to the first anniversary of my mom's death (June 13) or if I need to be locked in a padded room.  Are grief and pregnancy hormones causing my emotions to spin out of control?  I wonder if I need medication.  I don't want to take anything right now (although I'm still taking my fish oil) while pregnant.  I can't even self-medicate with a couple glasses of wine.

I just feel so alone and scared.  This can't be my life.  It's not at all what I want.

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I wrote that last Monday.  I'm not quite in those depths of despair currently, but I would be if I didn't have the most supportive and caring husband in the world.  I lived for years with a father who was so emotionally labile; I never knew what mood he'd be in or how he'd react to anything.  To have an authority figure whose reaction you couldn't predict~would he laugh or would he ridicule?~wreaks havoc on a kid and I can't be that person to my kids.  I have to get on a more even keel somehow. 

My kids are already so sensitive to my moods.  They notice when I'm tired or sad and will ask me about it.  E will give me hugs when I'm sad and looks crushed when I'm angry.  L has been more clingy lately, a trait I attribute to my moodiness and all the changes of turning 3 (no more pacifiers, being potty trained, big girl beds).  I know that I'm human and allowed mistakes, but I cannot, will not become my father to my kids.  I am going to modify my behavior for the next few months.  I need to take personal time-outs more often, before I reach the end of my patience.  I need to keep my voice even and low, no matter how angry I am.  I need to resist the urge I have to slap them when they're whiny and sassy and I'm so incredibly frustrated.  Even though I don't physically punish them (above example with E on Mother's Day aside), my anger shows in my tone.  It does nothing but cause fear in them and self-loathing in me. 

I need to become more engaged with my kids, not less.  We played a made up game the other day where we held hands and they tried to run away and I cried, "No! Come back!" and pulled them back to me.  The symbolism isn't lost to me.  L requested to play it again the next day and they both laughed and laughed.  I can't remember the last time we were silly like that together.  We need more of that to mend our relationship before any permanent damage is done.

I'm going to make it through this pregnancy (God, I hate that I am simply enduring it.  I want to revel in it.) and re-evaluate the possibility of medication. 

Comments

[Jessica]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this.

[Amy]

Linda,

Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and also that I appreciate your honesty. So often people try to put on their best face, especially with pregnancy and parenting and it makes the rest of us who aren't always so glowing and rosy feel inadequate. Please try not to be too hard on yourself. It's a pretty difficult goal to revel in a pregnancy and in the joy of your girls when you're feeling miserable and still grieving for your mom. I know that you want to feel good because it's a special time but sometimes just enduring is enough. Take care.

[Kim]

Linda, I have to delurk and lend some encouragement. I have twins that were 3 yrs 5 months when my third baby was born. One year ago I was in a similar place in my pregnancy, in my twins' behavior and my inappropriately angry/exasperated response to it, and in my outlook as I looked to our future with a newborn! I can't imagine coping with the loss of your mother on top of that. I'm so sorry.

But here are some hopeful predictions for you. I predict:
--you will have much more energy after the baby is born, even with the sleep deprivation.
--you will NOT BELIEVE how EASY one baby is. Even when it's hard, it's easy!
--you will find that some of your twins' current challenging behavior is related to their incomplete understanding that a huge change is coming and they don't know how it's going to alter their family. I bet they will be better after the baby is born.
--you are going to be buoyed by the sweetness of baby love. All a baby needs is your love and your body. No discipline. So nice.

Good luck and be kind to yourself. Don't catastrophize about the future. I think things will get easier, not harder.

[caroline]

No words of advice - just a big internet hug! Thinking of you!

[Jenn]

*hugs* I know how you feel.

[Kelli]

I just had my second baby 8 weeks ago. During my pregnancy I lost my uncle who helped my mother raise me, so he was like my dad. It was very unexpected and I was very grief stricken. It took a toll on my pregnancy. I too felt everything you described. I ignored it and pretended it was just hormones and not as bad as I thought. Then I saw my 4 year old recoil and seem scared of me as well. I didn't take any medication for my moods during pregnancy. I was diabetic and on insulin during my pregnancy which added to my mood swings since I felt like I couldn't eat anything and certain days I would cheat and wonder what I was doing to this poor baby. Needless to say I am on Zoloft right now. I do have more energy and going through the newborn stage is so much easier this time around and I only did it with one last time. My 4 year old and I are still working on our relationship and that makes me sad that a 4 yo would have to work on a relationship with her mother. She talks and sings and jumps around and says my name all day long and by 4:00 I am at the end of it. But I wouldn't change her or her personality for the world. I keep telling myself that she is who she is and I need to love her for that. Someday all that energy and enthusiasm that I find annoying will make her successful in her career.
I'm sorry for the long reply but your post really hit home. Your emotions are raw and I feel like I could have written it myself. Please discuss your feelings with your OB so you don't continue to suffer. Even during pregnancy there are things you can do to help.

[Kelli]

I just had my second baby 8 weeks ago. During my pregnancy I lost my uncle who helped my mother raise me, so he was like my dad. It was very unexpected and I was very grief stricken. It took a toll on my pregnancy. I too felt everything you described. I ignored it and pretended it was just hormones and not as bad as I thought. Then I saw my 4 year old recoil and seem scared of me as well. I didn't take any medication for my moods during pregnancy. I was diabetic and on insulin during my pregnancy which added to my mood swings since I felt like I couldn't eat anything and certain days I would cheat and wonder what I was doing to this poor baby. Needless to say I am on Zoloft right now. I do have more energy and going through the newborn stage is so much easier this time around and I only did it with one last time. My 4 year old and I are still working on our relationship and that makes me sad that a 4 yo would have to work on a relationship with her mother. She talks and sings and jumps around and says my name all day long and by 4:00 I am at the end of it. But I wouldn't change her or her personality for the world. I keep telling myself that she is who she is and I need to love her for that. Someday all that energy and enthusiasm that I find annoying will make her successful in her career.
I'm sorry for the long reply but your post really hit home. Your emotions are raw and I feel like I could have written it myself. Please discuss your feelings with your OB so you don't continue to suffer. Even during pregnancy there are things you can do to help.

[parodie]

Don't have any concrete experience or advice, just sympathy. And I wanted to point out (though I think you are aware of this) that the first section sounds an awful lot like someone who is struggling with depression. I have heard pre-partum depression mentioned - maybe you should talk to someone about that?

Alternately, maybe you would find it easier to get to that playful place with your girls in a structured activity (mom & tots ___), so you don't have to worry about the activity or the house, and you can just focus on being present for the girls.

I'll keep you in my prayers!

[Meira]

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

Personally, I think you've got a 'perfect storm' going on between being pregnant, having TWO three-year-olds, and grieving for your mom. And you're working 12-hour shifts when you're not working as 'mom'?!? But what kills me is this: even when I figure out that my crazy feelings are expected given the circumstances, that knowledge doesn't make them much easier to deal with. That's so wrong. Knowing should totally make them easy to deal with. Bah!

And for the record, our policy is that we don't spank, either. But I too had a bad day wherein I broke our rule when Big Kid was about 18 mos (so little!). I ended up going to the ped's officce to 'confess' and ask for advice. I don't remember much of her advice, but I do remember that the act of confessing and knowing that another person knew and was helping me made me better able to forgive myself.

[Bobbi]

Oh Linda...
I remember late pregnancy days like that and I only had 1 toddler and I wasn't dealing with grief at the same time. I can't imagine how overwhelming this is for you.

What helped me a lot is to aplolgize when I got extra cranky and unreasonable. My kids understood better than I hoped they would. Parents are people too, and none of us are perfect. And besides being almost three, your daughters are definitely reacting to a major upheaval coming soon to their lives.

Good luck to you - we are all pulling for you!

[Allison]

De-lurking to just chime in with the other mothers who went through similar things while pregnant and mothering other children. It is so hard! I spanked my 2 year old for the first time in her life too when I was 7 months pregnant. It can still make me cry to this day. What you are going through is normal and expected - although this does not make it any easier. You are doing the best you can do right now and the fact that you are even concerned shows how healthy you are. Hang in there...it will get better.

[Lil]

So sorry you are feeling this way--Mother's day is such a hard holiday when you have lost your mom. Do you think that Mother's day could have set you off?
As the mom of 4 year old twins, I'd give you two pieces of advice (which might not be worth the pixels they are printed on). One, take a day (or two) off from the kids--have your husband take a personal day, get a baby sitter whatever, but get away and do something for you--even if it is nothing. Even if it is sitting in Barnes and Nobel reading all day long. Two, after you have had your day--maybe even a week after, do something special with the girls--doesn't have to be a big outing, just something where you can relax and have some fun with them (a zoo, some messy play in the backyard, blowing bubbles, a day where you all fingerpaint outside), don't worry about making it fun, don't worry about anything but connecting with the girls. I have found that if I do these two things when I am at the end of my rope, things get better. For some reason giving myself that space gives me a little more patience to be able to have a nice relaxing time with the ladies.

[BethanyWD]

Just wanted to say that I felt the same (minus the grief portion) when I was pregnant with number 2 and number 1 was 20 months old. You're not alone.

[Mia C.]

I wish I could come give you a huge hug. My son is autistic, and between his behavior and my grief and guilt, I feel like the worst mother ever most days. I've broken the rule, too, and then cried and cried. Between the autism and my coping skills I wonder if I will ever have another baby. I feel you.
That being said, anniverseries are hard, and I would plan in advance to take that day "off." Or at least for A to be there so you can just walk away.
And talking to your OB can't hurt. Pregnancy depression is pretty common, and a very small dose of antidepressants right now isn't going to affect the baby (brain is already formed). It could make it a little jittery at birth from withdrawal, but most OBs have you wean down at the end to prevent that. If you don't want to do that, then after the kiddo comes, I would definitely look into meds. When your serotonin levels are depleted your coping skills go out the window and hormones will be crazy on top of that.
And I second the be kind to yourself. If someone else was going through this, you would be so much more understanding than you are with yourself.

love, Mia

[Elizabeth]

Mia, that last sentance is so true. Thank you for saying it so eloquently. Linda, I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. I agree that you should take some time for yourself. I hope you feel better soon.

[Jody]

A lot of those feelings descended on me right around the time my kids hit that age, almost frighteningly so (your wording echoes my private journals too closely for comfort). Even though I haven't always followed my own advice, I urge you to talk to a good therapist now. It's only going to get harder after the new baby arrives, and you deserve all the care and protection you can find.

If only finding a good therapist weren't, in and of itself, a mountain-climb of an undertaking....

You have all my sympathy and support. Don't settle for muddling through, you'll kick yourself if you do (I know, I'm speaking from personal experience, alas).

[Becca]

Thanks so much for sharing this. You are not alone. Keep reaching out. Keep talking with A. Cry out to Jesus. New joy comes in the morning.

[Amy]

I can't add to what's been so delicately and accurately put. I just want you to know that you are a wonderful mother for realizing what's happening. That's the biggest step. Take time for yourself. Breathe.

[jk]

The pregnancy hormones do a number on EVERYONE. Oh, I remember how I was. I don't enjoy remembering it.

It will get better. Do what you need to do during it... After the baby is born, it will be tough too... I'm saying this not to be depressing, but to be realistic. I wasn't prepared for how hard it was having #3 with two little ones.

[AmyinMotown]

I was miserable during my pregnancy too and had no kids and no (fresh) grief. One of the things that scares me about having another baby is that, with a high spirited, strong willed toddler in my house that drives me nuts sometimes despite being the love of my life.

I have those days where I feel like a horrible person because I just YELL all day long. There was one day not too long ago where either Maggie or the dog was challenging me, requiring cleanup (she says delicately), or getting into somewhere they shouldn't be. I was in tears by the time my husband came home. I find that activities where I don't have to be cruise director (like mom and tot type things or the zoo or whatever) are great, as someone else said. Near us, a Michael's store runs drop-in craft classes on Tuesday mornings, and even Ms Destructo enjoys it.

I'm sure this is a grief reaction, and also hormones, and let's not forget the bone crushing fatigue that happens with pregnancy either. And the fatigue of two girls! I find that when I am just exhausted I am a really ineffective parent. Get me a good night's sleep and I am much better.

I am sorry you're going through this, and I hope you feel better soon.

[Sami]

I'm sure part of this is grief and part of this is hormones and part of this is having 3 year old twins... and some is probably exhaustion. I'm glad you were able to have your own personal time-out and hope that things get a little better. Hang in there.

[Jill]

Linda, you are always so hard on yourself. You have so much going on, it's no wonder you're struggling. Your wacky sleep pattern can't help, not to mention everything else you listed. Please know your stuggle during this pregnancy won't affect the baby or how you feel about him (?) once he is here.

Much love and prayers your way.

[Allison]

Oh, Linda, I hope that you feel better soon. ((big hugs))

[Laura K.]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so crummy right now. My gosh, I don't know how anyone in your circumstances wouldn't, to be honest. I remember feeling like that at times, and I only had one child who wasn't even two at the time and therefore wasn't in the same kind of challenging phase that your girls are in. Three...times two...plus grieving over your mom...holy crap, that's a load.

I can't speak from what you are going through, but I really do think you will feel better after the baby arrives. I think it's so hard to prepare for a baby that's still intangible to some extent when you have two kids who are at a very needy stage. And, it's difficult to care for two very needy toddlers when you are exhausted and sad.

It's good that you recognize your feelings. I think probably the fact that your father was like that probably makes you more sensitive and in-tune to those feelings, and probably even more fiercely devoted to not wanting to feel that way yourself.

I think it's so great that you have such a supportive husband. Don't be afraid to see other support, too! Do you still have someone who cleans? Can you get someone if not? I think that right there might alleviate a lot of the stress. Maybe your midwife can recommend some ways to relax before bed or something you can eat/drink/do to help you sleep better, too.

Hoping your days get better. Hang in there!

[Sarah]

I wanted to add my support to that of the others who commented. You've got a lot of stuff going on, so would say your reactions are normal, if not what you would want them to be.

I also wanted to add that when you share your struggles, as well as your solutions, I find that it comforts me and encourages me in my life.

I would also add that you might find regularly scheduled "nights off" help you connect with your girls when you're "on" with them. And an earlier commenter said something that really struck home with me--when doing something with the girls, don't try to make it "fun", just try to connect with them where they're at. So often I'll do something "special" with them and I'll try so hard to make it "fun" that it blows up in my face and then it's so disappointing.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I think you're doing ok, whether if seems like it or not, and that you'll pull through this time just fine. I have faith.